Learning to Trust

I trust completely that you know what’s best for me
I have wasted too many years.
The time that I turned from your still small voice, only caused me pain and tears.
Season through season, I lived only for myself.
Only turning back to you, when all I needed was your help.
I begged for your grace, I wanted your love, I needed forgiveness from heaven above.
I desired all your blessings with no strings attached,
But when you asked for faithfulness—I had nothing to give back.
I was far too busy with my selfish, worldly gain
To think about the consequences of sowing sin and pain.
Never did I imagine that this season of life would come
When I would reap a harvest of the things that I had done.
How was I responsible?
I was only having fun!
Shaking my fist at heaven, I shout, “Lord what have you done?”
You could have warned me about the pain.
I thought you were loving,
I thought your grace would abound.
Now I sit in suffering, and pain is all I’ve found.

Then I sit and wait—feeling like a fool.
Sinking in my suffering, there is nothing else to do.
As I become more silent, a still small voice I hear.
Asking me to turn around and let go of all my fears.
God says, “I can be trusted—for I gave my Son.
What more is there for me to prove that I care so much for you?”
Then I begin to realize, that his love is all I need.
Searching in this desperate world, only brought me to my knees.
My selfish gain was wasted, like chasing after wind.

Only wish I would have listened, to all the warnings that you gave.
Thought I had more time, thought that I could change.
Now you have brought me to the dessert, a lonely place to live.
But even though I’m lonely, I know that you are there.
Realizing how thankful I am that you would care
You care so much about me, that you brought me to this place.
You have brought me to a valley, to change my heart with grace.
I’m thankful that one thousand years to you is just one day
I’m thankful that you care so much that you want my heart to change.
I’m thankful for the peace you bring, in my loneliness.
I’m thankful that you’ve brought me here—for I see that I am blessed.
Blessed to have a Father, that cares the way you do.
I trust you Lord, and I give this life to you.

Someday

My whole life it's like i've been searching. And i've tried so many things but nothing is working.

I always strive to be the best i can, but i'm just looking for someone to love me the way i am.

I sometimes have mood swings, i love the smell of windex and i cook when i'm sad.

Some people say i got those traits from my dad.

And as weird as i am, i know mr. Right is somewhere saying Damn, i need to find her.(lol)

that day will come but maybe we haven't met. Or maybe he's been in front of me the whole time, if so then i'm set. Whatever it is i can't wait to find him, because when i do, forever in my love he'll swim.

-Van

The Male Species.

december 1, 2009.

it’s species, right?
not feces...(haha)

it amazes me how it happens every time
and as if it couldn’t get worse it's when we’re at our prime.
Things seem perfectly fine
when your heart is finally mine
well at least it seems that way
until you call me at the end of the day.
“it’s not you, it’s me” said The Male Species. jerk.
“you’re right, it is you” i wanted to say when he didn’t wanna make it work.
i just have one question...
do all Male Species really cause so much frustration?
i’d like to say it’s so
but truly i can’t say that i know.
Because at the end of the phone line
that Male Species was simply not mine.
God created The Male Species and He said it was good.
i can’t wait till he gives me mine,
the One that will love me the way he should.
Until that day, i’ll probably complain a couple more times
because the Male Species ...
Well, they are known for their CRIMES.

Missed.

november 29, 2009.

i miss him and i don’t.
i wish i could choose but it’s too hard, so i won't.
he’s so far, yet when i hear his voice,
he makes it so hard, i truly have no choice.
but if i could, i’d choose to not miss him
because then when he left, it wouldn’t seem so dim.
but in the end i guess i’m just selfish
because to be more than friends is my true wish.
i’ll never admit that though
because i'll never let it show
i only wonder if he misses me too?
and if so... there has to be something we can do...?

This Feeling.

november 13, 2009

it’s such and awkward feeling

what i feel inside.
it’s sometimes unexplainable
so i put it aside.
But is it normal?
do you feel it sometimes too?
or am i alone in this?
What should l do?
i take deep breaths,
count to 10, hopefully that will work.
No, it’s still there
is it sadness, madness, regret? it’s unfair.
it’s a pain so deep, is my heart still there?
i promise I'm normal i live life day to day.
i breath in the same air you do, my heart beats just like yours does.
but, it’s still there.
the silence is now hurting me. it’s so loud
if only you knew, if only i didn’t act so proud.
i took the chance, i fell for love
only to fall straight down, just like with a broken wing falls the dove.
i had dreamed of this, how perfect it felt.
but in the dream i was secure, this feeling i hadn’t dealt.
Now i’m awake. and how i long to sleep
it would make me feel better, for this feeling i do not want to keep.
i can only hope it wont last much longer.
although through this pain i’ll end up much stronger.


It was such an awkward feeling, what i felt inside.
so i got on my knees and to Jesus i cried...